The article, if you don’t feel like reading, is from an online Christian group called “christwire” about how to tell if your husband is gay. (Personally ‘christwire’ makes me think of puppet Jesus, which needs to be a thing). Foregoing how bitchy I’d like to be in response to this, I’ll just list my problems with the article on a logical basis.
- Since women can’t be gay, let’s talk about the real evil: gay men that want to trick women into marrying them. After all, who wouldn’t want to be married to a person that they’re totally incompatible with on a fundamental level?
- Don’t worry about the fact that women are completely capable of having this conversation before they get married, if they’re so concerned. Oh, wait, sorry, women can’t actually make decisions, I forgot.
- Apparently being gay is like an allergy: it can just pop up later in life with no warning. But don’t worry, that only happens to men who get bored of being a straight man with a family, apparently.
- "Same-sex experimentation is also connected to drug or alcohol abuse. Crystal meth and other narcotics are proven to lower inhibitions and to drive people to take incredible risks to feed their habits." It’s true, the last time I did meth I started kissing every boy I could find—a danger to my soul, obviously! But I had to feed my gay habit.
- Don’t worry, the psychotic homophobes that run a Christian anti-gay site have compiled a list of how to tell if your husband is gay. How? No, they’re not gay, don’t even ask that. No, they didn’t ask a gay person. Wait, who did they talk to? Oh, ‘spiritual’ and ‘medical’ professionals. So…a tarot card reader and a hospice nurse? You know what, sources aren’t important.
- If your husband looks at porn, he is probably gay.
- If your husband looks at men and winks at him, he is probably gay. Also, he is creepy as all hell. Who winks at people?
- If your husband doesn’t have strong faith in god, he is gay.
- "Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men?" What priest told these guys his secret?
- "Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups?" Volunteer work is gay.
- "Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing." It’s true, gay men don’t grow facial hair and when they work out they don’t sweat. Because they aren’t natural.
- If your husband goes to the gym but doesn’t like sports, he’s gay. Because only a gay man would care about his health without attaching it to some sort of ball play. ZING!
- "Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” " —they use clothes. Is your man wearing anything but flannel and denim? Sorry, he’s gay. He’s probably having a sex hook up right now.
- If, when you two are watching your god-approved pornography, he pays more attention to the man, he’s gay. No, they actually try to make that point. Just wondering, if a woman watches a lot of porn, does that make her a gay man?
- If your husband has too many ‘young male’ friends, he’s gay. Because gay and pedophile are synonymous.
- If your husband is sassy, then he is gay. God hates sass (See Exodus)
- "It’s quite common for young men to enjoy the science fiction end of popular culture, but when your husband becomes overly obsessed with romantic and feminine shows, that is cause for alarm." Keep your man on a strict diet of Star Wars tie-in novels or he might go frilly on you and watch Modern Family. It’s a quick slip’n’slide down to hell from there.
- If your husband tries to show off his body, he is gay. Because gay men are incapable of feeling anything but the continuous, unending sexual drive that invades their every thought and action. You know, like a straight man, but gay.
- If your husband is an alcoholic, he is gay. Alcohol is just drinkable meth, and meth makes you gay, right? Wait, no, it makes your teeth fall out. Right.
- Have you dated a man who turned out to be gay in the past? Then your husband is gay.
- Or, as the site put it: “If you answered yes, you should ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!”
Remember ladies, you’re here to make dinner, plop out kids and stay the hell out of the way. Get those priorities straight!
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I’d just like to say that I’m thankful that we allow stupid people to say whatever they want in this country. It makes comedy so much easier. I’m not thankful that we also let stupid people vote, but hey, the robot apocalypse is getting closer everyday and soon enough we will be the borg. Then stupid won’t matter!