April 16, 2014

Last night we had noncomedians at the open mic (!!!), two blondes and their gay best friend, so it was hilarious for me to figure out that they were republicans as I bashed conservative opinions.

April 16, 2014

In this set, I whine about temping and the audience completely loses interest. So then I tell some whale jokes! (and a couple of old bits)

April 14, 2014

greetings:

using y=mx+b to find the slope of dat ass

That would only work if your ass is flat!

Stay in school kids! Then you too can make lame retorts to uninformed math jokes.

(via dukeofbirmingham)

April 3, 2014

newspaperandsmoke:

my facebook right now:

  • quidditch IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE EXCITE
  • comments on something from 2008 did facebook exist then
  • self deprecating humor about me, my love for pizza, and how i sometimes get drunk and kiss like everyone

so what i’m saying is, if you get me drunk at world cup i will kiss your face and i don’t know you might be into that some people are

also, happy birthday loserbeam

Hey, so I don’t want to make a big deal about this (just kidding yes I do) but it’s my birthday.

And like not to brag (I’m bragging) but porn4smartgirls liked this post soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

12:38am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZCxzQy1BzIR2r
  
Filed under: birthday 
April 2, 2014
Dichotomy is an important technique in comedic writing and performance. The level balance of opposites and the well timed turn between them are often fodder for laughter.
It is sometimes best to pair dichotomy with an observation of similarity. For example, in the above picture, neither of these men are wearing underwear.

Dichotomy is an important technique in comedic writing and performance. The level balance of opposites and the well timed turn between them are often fodder for laughter.

It is sometimes best to pair dichotomy with an observation of similarity. For example, in the above picture, neither of these men are wearing underwear.

(Source: musculardude, via bromancing-the-stone)

April 2, 2014

The open mic yesterday was on April Fool’s Day, so our SUPER HILARIOUS GAG was that we all did an impression of another comedian before we did our sets. I did Sean Preston, who is hilarious and has a twitter. If it sounds like I’m getting laughs for nothing, it’s cause I’m either knocking something over or taking my shirt off, both classic Preston moves.

I improvised my set, which was fun. I think it’s funny that the closer I used, which was written, went totally flat. Audience was not about eating black people, which I get.

And I actually did host the rest of the open mic! It was super fun! You should all book me for your shows forever!

April 2, 2014

mememasterofficialofficial was expertcosmotips can we all go to bed now

March 28, 2014

Instead of posting my usual 5 minutes, HERE’S MY OPENING SET FROM LAST NIGHT! Bonus points, you get to see my face! (I definitely have to not wear clothes this baggy on stage again though, I look like lumpy space princess wtf.)

It’s kind of NSFW so play it for your boss.

Thanks to the LawnBoys for having me and Puck’s for letting me talk about buttholes in a restaurant!

March 27, 2014
My set tonight was a lot of fun! I’ll post a video tomorrow but for now here’s some Garfield.

My set tonight was a lot of fun! I’ll post a video tomorrow but for now here’s some Garfield.

(via oomshi)

March 27, 2014

ballroomblitzle:

please look at these very important pictures of hulk hogan

(via oomshi)

March 26, 2014
I usually post my set every Wednesday, but instead I thought I’d post this. These are all my crib notes for the past 2 and a half months, during which I’ve written a new set every week. Tomorrow I’m telling some of my favorites as I open the monthly show at Puck’s. Come if you’re a cool kid.
Event page: https://www.facebook.com/events/825077647509199/?ref=25
If you want to check out my previous sets, loserbeam.tumblr.com/tagged/stand-up

I usually post my set every Wednesday, but instead I thought I’d post this. These are all my crib notes for the past 2 and a half months, during which I’ve written a new set every week. Tomorrow I’m telling some of my favorites as I open the monthly show at Puck’s. Come if you’re a cool kid.

Event page: https://www.facebook.com/events/825077647509199/?ref=25

If you want to check out my previous sets, loserbeam.tumblr.com/tagged/stand-up

March 19, 2014

My dad was in the audience last night, so I told my very best dad jokes. (At the end I cut the recording off as Ben (host) told me my dad was an older, cooler version of me.)

3:50pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZCxzQy1AbmeCS
  
Filed under: me stand up dad jokes 2014 
March 16, 2014

*points at your butt* are you gonna eat that?

(Source: loserbeam)

March 16, 2014

I forgot to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, but I missed it because I passed out at 7 last night drunk off my ass after a family function, which I think is the most Irish thing I could do.

March 14, 2014

alchemist-rising asked: sen3.14

….Ainsley you perfect being

I’m posting this in public so other people can revel in it

3:51pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZCxzQy1A7EX4b
  
Filed under: senpai kohai 
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