August 24, 2014
Cider House Rules

  1. Wash hands before handling any and all food items.
  2. Remember: MEOM (Make Exactly One Mistake)
  3. Don’t touch hot things!
  4. The CIDER is for the CUSTOMERS
  5. There are no beds in this house! And there never will be.
  6. Bricks?
  7. An apple a day is too many apples. Limit yourself.
  8. Do not attempt to wax yourself with the stickers.
  9. God damn it, Greg.
  10. You can make cider out of anything. Swear to god bro, you wouldn’t believe it. Raspberries, I fuck you not.
  11. Hairnets, people, hairnets!!
  12. Big smiles. Jazz hands. Safety.
  13. Whose keys are these?
  14. Duuuuude
  15. If you’re back here making cider, who’s driving this thing?!?!
  16. To be honest I’m not really sure if there is a god, you know?
  17. Well I’m majoring in sociology and right now I’m working at this cider company, but my long time goal is to work with kids. They’re really our future.
  18. Okay but who hasn’t had gay thoughts about david duchovney
  19. I could eat
  20. If it stinks, it drinks.

August 22, 2014


and, if you can’t get toasted pearl Couscous handpicked and blessed by a Moroccan shaman on the first tuesday of the winter harvest for your Sautéed Escarole then store bought is fine


Couscous is not a grain, you plebeians.

(via arbitrary-stag)

August 22, 2014

Moving to New York has been a total inversion in my luck and life, in a funny way. Back in PA, I had no job, no one to date, nowhere to go and no way to get there. But I had great mics full of friendly people and the food was cheap.

So far I’ve gotten 2 interviews, made a guy buy me a drink, walked so much my knees hurt. But the mics are intimidating and (sometimes) expensive, and I just paid $10 for a sandwich.

Mostly I just wanted to complain about the sandwich.

It’s cheese, not gold.

August 14, 2014


9:50pm  |   URL:
Filed under: math 
August 13, 2014

Adulthood ; like it’s 2014

Actual last set at Puck :(

I got to play around with a heckler, which is a rare treat. I was wearing a goofy fancy jacket, thus the tron joke.

August 11, 2014

If you want a chance to win FREE PIZZA please help me move in on Friday I love you

August 11, 2014

Attractive people need to stop immediately. Seriously, I have things to do.

August 10, 2014

Let’s play basketball, shirts versus dicks

August 7, 2014
"I love you. I love your beautiful long legs and the way you laugh when you think you’re funny. I love your jokes and the way you are a total geek. You are the most wonderful freakshow I know."

-the most beautiful thing I’ve ever been told (via look-up-the-number)

Okay but for some reason my brain thought, “What if this was a homeless person talking to a spider?”

August 6, 2014


Oops I didn’t actually leave Puck yet.

Also I really need a hair cut.

July 30, 2014

Finding Puck

Here’s the actual story of how I found Puck’s open mic…and then like 4 minutes of me explaining the rules. Whoops, sorry.

5:25pm  |   URL:
Filed under: me stand up puck's 2014 
July 30, 2014

15 Word Problems

This is my last official set at Puck’s :(

Ben took a mic cord and made a noose after this.

July 23, 2014


This is exactly what it sounds like.

July 22, 2014

Straight people are seriously so exhausting.

July 18, 2014

(Source: cocaineteas, via homosexual-supervillain)

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